Facilitating forgiveness
Is their a process that can help you forgive somebody? Well, their are several books written with the aim of helping people enter a process of forgiveness. However, i can only speak out of personal experience. For me, forgiveness happened after much soul searching and anguish.
I will forgive you
The words are so small
But there is a universe hidden in them
When I forgive you
All those cords of resentment pain and sadness that had wrapped themselves around my heart will be gone
When i forgive you
You will no longer define me
You measured me and you assessed me and decided that you can hurt me
I didn't count
But i will forgive you
Because I do count
I do matter
I am bigger than the image you have of me
I am stronger
I am more beautiful
And i am infinitely more precious than you thought me
I will forgive you
My forgiveness is not a gift i am giving to you
When i forgive you
My forgiveness will be a gift that gives itself to me
(From the book of forgiving by Desmon Tutu)
Their are evolutionary theories for the existence of forgiveness. In order to outwit dangerous predators early ancestors formed groups that cooperate with each other, this is still evident in todays society. Survival of those most able to forgive. So perhaps forgiveness is just hardwired into our system and all you have to do is allow time to facilitate it. However, It is also argued that forgiveness comes more easily to those who have some predisposition to believe in a God. From my personal experience praying for people who have hurt me in the past certainly helped me reach a place of peace and forgiveness. You can see these examples in Christian teachings where we are given an injunction to pray for and forgive our enemies. An enemy being someone who wishes to see your demise or who constantly treats you with hostility.
"Forgiveness doesn't change the past, but it does enlarge the future" - Bernard Meltzier
How does one forgive a seemingly infinitely more powerful enemy? Often we can feel locked into Victimhood and/or become dependant on our enemies. When an offence is committed against us, forgiveness can often seem like the last thing on our minds. Usually we turn to revenge or retaliation becoming full of rage and anger. So how do we reach a place of forgiveness? It is perhaps wise and helpful to view the trespasser also as a fellow human being - an equally flawed individual as you who is capable of doing both good and bad. We're all some ones daughter/son with an equal desire to a happy life. Demonising the enemy is often a barrier to forgiveness. You may have heard of the saying "hate the sin but love the sinner". I think this is an important distinction to make. To separate the deed from the Do-er can almost seem like a super human feat but one which may need to occur if forgiveness is to take place. Remember, within the worst of us there is some good and within the best of us there is some evil.